I think that we can all relate to this! A fellow Lyme-sufferer from a Lyme forum allowed me to reprint this very touching essay.
Hi to all of my friends and family,
I am writing this e-mail because today is my birthday. I am very ill in bed today. It is okay. I am okay. I have my hard days with this illness. I want to tell a little bit of my story of my journey in the last 2 years.
I was super healthy April of 2005 and then on May 1, 2005 I woke up to what I thought was me dying. I had so many bizarre and scary symptoms. The scariest was my heart was skipping beats and then it would beat super fast. I went weeks without sleeping. I truly felt that I was going to die. No one could understand what I was going through. Many people in my family turned on me and believed what the doctors were all saying. They were saying it was all in my head. I was heartbroken. I knew in my core being that it was something.
There was one person that stepped up to the plate.
She held me while cried. She rubbed my back and told me every day that I would be okay. There were days that I would try to think of what I could do to take my life. I just couldn’t deal with the pain. My husband was there but just not. He in my heart was not that supportive. He was financially supportive in every sense of what money can buy. But what my heart craved was just a simple, “Hang in there”, it’ll all be okay”, “I am here for you no matter what”, “Is there anything I can do to help you out today?” He just couldn’t do this.
Going through this has truly been the biggest challenge of my life. I have a 3 year old and it is so hard to care for him when I feel this way but he makes me so happy so I just push through. My mom was amazing. I truly for the first time in my life realized what love was. Love is being there. I now understand that some people just aren’t ready to give up any of their time in their lives. They simply don’t get it. Work, cars, money, financial things are just more important. I was very angry with the people that I thought were my friends and family because they weren’t there for me but now I have forgiven them.
God has a plan for all of us and it is just in his time. God has a way of stopping us in our tracks and teaching the lesson we need to learn whether it is through illness or some other plan. I now realize that without my mom I would have died but I also realize that my husband served and still serves his purpose and that is to be there for me financially. My mom could not have done this. So, God put all the different people there to help me and without each one of them I would not be where I am today.
About 7 months ago I lost both of my parents within 2 months of each other. I was not that close to my Father but it still hurt. Then my Mother passed and I thought I was going to die of my heart hurting so badly. She was my rock. Who was going to tell me that I was going to be okay and help me through this illness. I needed her. I had friends and family but they just could not compare to the love of my Mother.
Two months after she died I decided to go to counseling and I was telling her my story and how I had lyme disease. She said, “Wow, that is so weird because I have been seeing a young gal for the last year and I just saw her this week and she told me that she had lyme disease when she was younger, do you want me to give her your number?” I was so excited to talk to this girl to see how she got through it and see what she used to get better.
A few days later she calls me. I could tell she was younger on the phone so we talked and decided to meet up. Her name was Bekka and she was 22 with a 7 month old baby.
My first impression of her was “Hippy” She was so cute. She dressed differently, she had a hippy aura about her, she wore no makeup, she smokes weed from time to time. Her hair was short and curly. Almost messy. She was shorter than me and on the skinny side. She had a energy about her that was infectious. She was just really excited. She told me her story of how her mom took her to Canada and she did an alternative treatment of ozone insufflations and that is what cured her. She was so wise. When I was 22 I was drinking beer, shopping, concerned about money. And here is this 22 year old, Mommy, doesn’t drink, and just so happy and I could just feel her excitement for life and love.
We then developed a friendship. She would come over and help me with Kaden, do my dishes, clean my house, drive me around to do errands, and most of all she always tells me how I am going to get better and she will help me get there. So sweet. I couldn’t believe how caring she was. I asked her why she wanted to do all of this for me. She told me that when she was really sick and wanted to die she asked God that if someday he healed her she wanted to find someone that she could help because she was so lonely going through her illness. She said, “Jamie, I understand how lonely you feel, I have been there and that is why I want to help you. God sent me to you.”
I went to sleep one night and had this dream. It was very powerful and very real. In my dream I was on the couch( my usual spot). Bekka was reading me something standing in the kitchen. She laughed. By the way she has this huge funny laugh. In my dream I looked over at her as she was looking down at the paper and reading and laughing and I thought to myself of how much her laugh reminded me of my mother’s laugh. Then I looked at her hair. It is the same color and length as my Mothers. Her hair started transforming into my Mother’s hair. I was like how weird, What is this? As she was reading she looked up. It was Bekka but my Mother’s eyes looked me straight at me and said, “It is okay Jamie, I am here” I woke up in a sweat. It was 3 am. I laid in bed for an hour and thought about how powerful this was. This cute little hippy girl was sent to me from God and my mother.
I called Bekka and told her about my dream the next day. She was like, “Wow, that is cool.” She then said, “Jamie, I want you to know that if you ever get too sick and you want me to come over and stay the night I will.” I burst into tears. My mom constantly would offer to come stay the night with me. The morning after my dream Bekka tells me this. I knew for sure then that this was the work of God.
I feel so blessed by this disease. I was angry for a long time about it but now I see the blessings. I have learned to be empathetic towards all humans. I think twice about the bum on the side of the road. Maybe he or she has gone through of is going through what I am going through. I see the goodness in people. I see the selfishness of people. I have met such caring and wonderful people through this disease. I see the balance of the world. We need selfish people to see the giving people. Vice Versa. We need successful money making people just as much as we need the poor giving people. It is the balance of life. It is an amazing spiritual path that I am on. This disease is horrific but there is a beautiful silver lining.
So, I want to thank my Mother, Bekka, my friends and family and especially all of the wonderful people I have met with Lyme for listening to me complain daily about how bad I feel. Thankyou for encouraging me along the way. Thank you to my husband. I have needed you just as much as the Bekka’s of the world.
So, I wrote this for my birthday. Today I am too sick to really enjoy it so my birthday wish is that you please do something caring for someone. Do someone’s dishes, give them a ride to the grocery store, tell them that you are there to help them. Just those words mean more than any amount of money or possessions. This is what I want for my birthday is for you to pay it forward. It doesn’t have to be right now but sometime in your life please do this for me. One caring gesture can change a life. I now know this. And remember, “You can’t know what you don’t know.” Life is a fun, bumpy, scary ride and we all need each other for the balance.”